Sleep Strategies for the New Parent: Months 3-4
Let me guess: You spent nine months becoming an expert on pregnancy and childbirth but forgot to read up on how to care for your newborn? The adrenaline and pain killers have worn off and a few sleepless nights have made you realize that so much of parenting revolves around sleep? This series will use the lens of sleep to guide you through the early days of motherhood. Grab some goals along the way so you can emerge unscathed from the fog of new parenthood.
MONTHS 3-4 Goal: Set up Bedtime Sleep Expectations
As month three approaches, it’s time to take a serious look at your sleep expectations. For some families, sleep training will be more necessary than others. Your baby may already be sleeping through the night at this point as a result of the sleep practices you’ve put in place from day one. For others, this is your moment to lay down the law and teach your kids once and for all what bedtime means. For all families, it’s especially helpful to get baby used to your family’s nighttime noises and to establish a consistent sleep setting.
I was mentally prepared for sleep training to be this whole, big, complicated, emotionally-charged thing. In reality, it was kind of anti-climactic because we tried to establish healthy sleep habits early on rather than all-of-a-sudden expecting our babies to sleep through the night on their own.
When parents are sleep-deprived, rash decisions get made. So, make a plan ahead of time, during the day, with both parents, so everyone can think clearly and be on the same page. If one parent wants to try “cry it out” but the other sneaks in to soothe the child, it sabotages the plan. Or, if one parent insists that it’s time to get rid of the pacifier but the other pops it in at any sign of fussiness, that sends mixed signals to the child.
Richard Ferber’s graduated extinction method worked well for us. The basic idea is that it’s fine to go in to soothe your child when she fusses at bedtime or in the middle of the night. However, if she starts to fuss again when you leave the room, don’t immediately return. Give it a moment. If you are called back to the bedroom a third time, make sure you wait longer than the previous times to re-enter the room. Keep adding time–whether it’s an additional 10 seconds or 10 minutes–so that your child will eventually learn to self-soothe.
When entering the room to comfort your child after the bedtime routine is over (whether it’s five minutes or five hours after bedtime), avoid any stimulating interactions. You want to signal that it’s time for sleep and not play. For instance, no feeding, eye contact, lights, big smiles, loud noises, or conversation. Come up with a phrase such as, “It’s time to sleep,” and stick to it. A simple physical comfort like a quick hug or re-inserting a pacifier can work well, but don’t get dragged into a snuggle session.
When training your kids to fall asleep, stay asleep, and go back to sleep, it’s helpful to get them used to your family’s particular noises early on. Potential disruptions can take the form of a twin or other siblings, chores, vehicles, pets, or guests. This way you won’t be tip-toeing through the house and rearranging your noisy activities around sleeping kids for years on end.
This comes into play when a second sibling is born and parents are deciding when to move baby into its older brother or sister’s room. While a newborn might sleep in the parents’ room for the first few weeks or months, try moving baby to the kids’ room while she is still waking once at night. The sibling will then grow accustomed to the baby’s noises here and there and will eventually either not wake up at all or learn to go back to sleep quickly. The ability to tune out sibling noise will come in handy for baby when older kids who would otherwise sleep through the night suddenly cough, blow their nose, or flush a loud toilet. And if one sibling does occasionally keep another awake, it won’t be earth-shattering if they learn to cope with it early.
This goes for parents too. Get your babies used to your evening noises. Maybe it’s the sound of the shower running just a few feet away from the crib. Go ahead and take your shower! No need to wait until baby is fast asleep. If doing the dishes is part of your evening routine, don’t feel bad if you clank the plates together. Have a conversation with your spouse or older kids in the living room while baby is drifting off to sleep in the bedroom. Don’t stop your daily routine simply because the associated noises might disturb baby’s sleep. Live your life. Baby will grow accustomed to your noises and, likely, even find them comforting.
If baby is used to bedtime noises, it will be helpful in the middle of the night as well. Nighttime can be noisy. A siren might wail, a scene from a late-night movie you are watching could get unexpectedly loud, or an alarm might ring. You want baby to be used to sleeping amidst noise so that it won’t be a shock when these bursts of noise happen. If baby happens to wake up due to noise, he’ll quickly drift back off to dreamland because noise will be no big deal.
With bedtime and night wakings under control, the holy grail of sleep is in sight: sleeping through the night.
Read the rest of the sleep series here:
MONTHS 0-1: Recover and Recreate Womb
MONTHS 1-2: Correct Night vs. Day Confusion
MONTHS 2-3: Establish Structure and Habits
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