Embrace these Six Areas of Independence as Your Tween Heads to Middle School

First-time middle school mom, here. You caught me standing in amazement as my children mature into tweens before my very eyes. Far from its reputation as a daunting transition, starting middle school has proved to be the just-right next step for my 11-year-old twins.

Since their graduation from elementary school, they have stepped up into the behaviors and level of responsibility expected of middle schoolers. As I gradually loosened the parenting reins over the last 12 months, I discovered that my kids were ready to embrace each type of independence I allowed.

Every time I look up from my younger kids to check in on my sixth-graders, I discover some new, delightful development. Even their occasional puberty-inspired moodiness doesn’t seem so annoying when coupled with the joy of seeing them grow up. Plus, because they have handled the transition to middle school so well, it has freed me up to dive deeper into my own volunteer job as PTA President at our elementary school.

My twins’ newfound maturity and corresponding independence has manifested itself in various forms, but especially in these six areas: commuting to school; shouldering a more complex academic load; investing their time in meaningful social, extracurricular, and volunteer activities; managing their money; and traveling to overnight camp.

Commuting to School

The area of independence I fretted over the most leading up to the start of 6th grade at a new school was the commute. For the last eight years, my kids had relied on me for daily school drop offs and pickups, so it was hard to imagine not physically taking my 11-year-olds to school. Buying Gizmo watches, which allow me to call, text, and track the kids, has made this all much more feasible. Knowing we can contact each other as needed gives everyone the peace of mind to let this physical independence take shape.

In less than a week from the start of 6th grade, my tweens began navigating the city bus with their friends rather than me. These last few months have served as a primer in city transit. They learn about the local versus the express bus and which buses stop where. They choose whether to wait for the bus or walk the 20 blocks home, or even walk a ways and then jump on the bus part-way along the route. They pass up a crowded bus and wait for another they spot on the horizon. In a downpour, their group takes cover in the subway or rushes to the bus stop with scaffolding to escape the rain.

To arrive at school on time, my middle schoolers need to leave 15 minutes ahead of their younger sisters. So, the twins have the added responsibility of pacing their morning routine accordingly. They choose to leave home with enough of a time cushion to allow for emergencies and to meet up with friends along the way.

Independent commuting also means my tweens just pop in and out my afternoon at various times. I am a staple at the elementary school playground, where my 7- and 9-year-olds play every day after school. My son occasionally drops by for a game of flag football with some of his younger friends, which always garners lots of high fives, dogpile hugs, and exclamations of, “Zacky!” from his adoring little buddies. Later on, I’ll turn from a conversation to notice he’s already walked home to get started on his homework.

Shouldering a Complex Academic Load

Everyone warned us how much more work middle school would be in terms of academics, especially coming from an elementary school that assigned homework sparingly. In reality, the work itself hasn’t been especially hard. It’s the time management skills required to juggle academics along with other areas of developing interest that has proved to be a major stepping up situation in our household.

Inside the middle school building, each student has to keep track of where he needs to be and when, which varies from day to day. For some periods of the day, students travel from classroom to classroom in a pack with their homeroom classmates. But for others, like when the class splits in half for diverging math levels or into quarters for more intimate advisory groups, each student really needs to be on top of his individual schedule. You also can’t necessarily rely on your BFF to keep track of your school commitments because she is probably in different enrichment classes and trying out for different sports teams.

At home, middle school academics means managing a whole new homework routine. My tweens have learned to map out the week’s work and prioritize assignments based on which classes meet the following day. For projects, they plan out what tasks to complete first and which can wait until later. They have the added challenge of navigating the required technology. Ever since remote schooling amidst the COVID-19 pandemic popularized Google Classroom, many NYC schools have adopted it as the go-to platform for communicating and assigning school work. Students do have planners for jotting down assignments, but for gathering details, asking questions, and submitting work, they regularly use Google Classroom. More often than not, my kids type directly into a Google Doc or create a deck of Google Slides to complete their assignments. They sign into their school’s online gradebook to keep tabs on their performance, and communicate with teachers in a timely manner if they notice an error.

Group projects abound, and with this comes the need to communicate with classmates outside of school. The kids have discovered ways to make this happen even without phones. For instance, they make use of chat and comment features in their digital workspaces and ask me to update permissions on their Gizmo watches so they can call their group mates. My son sets up Google Meets with his friend to work on joint projects. My daughter added her friend from afterschool as a collaborator on her Canva animation so they could work together on a snow day.

My middle schoolers have also come to appreciate the value of a quiet work area. Our family of six lives in a two-bedroom apartment, so it’s best to take advantage of a pocket of quiet time and space when it appears. On days they don’t have afterschool programs, my tweens come straight home to get their work done before their younger sisters return from the playground. On nights when my eleven-year-olds arrive home later, they know to work especially efficiently.

One time, my daughter was creating a social studies presentation with a partner after arriving home relatively late. At school that day they had decided to make a last-minute topic change. “We realized our evidence isn’t that strong,” my daughter explained. This led her to schedule an “emergency” work meeting with her friend that threatened to encroach on family dinner time. This provided some good experience with how to work under deadline pressure as well as how to set boundaries. After a brief conversation, we agreed that she could message her friend to say that she would return after a 15-minute dinner break. Later that night, when bedtime rolled around and they still weren’t finished working, I encouraged my daughter to set a timer for 10 more minutes before calling it a night. She thought through how she could best use those final 10 minutes to tie up any loose ends and frantically got to work. Now she knows the consequence of making a major change so late in the timeline of a project and has some experience working strategically to still get a good night’s sleep when under deadline pressure.

My daughter bemoaned the fact that she didn’t seem to have enough hours in the evening to accomplish all she intended. “It seems like me going to afterschool is making everyone go to bed late,” she mumbled. More and more evening opportunities have arisen this past year, whether its group projects for school, Sunday night youth group, or Roblox computer game meetups with friends. All these push back our normal evening routine, making us constantly reevaluate our priorities.

All-in-all, middle school has grown my tweens into tech-savvy students and responsible time managers with a better grasp of what is meaningful to them. In addition to all the required assignments, middle school has provided countless extra opportunities like creative writing contests, film competitions, and optional science projects. There’s no end to the demands on their time–both mandatory and just for fun. 

Investing Time in Meaningful Social, Extracurricular, and Volunteer Activities

Long gone are the days of meeting a new toddler friend on the swings and arranging a playdate in her building’s playroom. Now is the season of life when my tween texts me on her Gizmo watch, letting me know she is heading to the Cooper Hewitt Design Museum with a classmate and her mom. My son arrived home the other day with a couple of friends, one of which I had never met, and they started jamming on the keyboard. On a snowy day, my daughter took the long route home from school, stopping in Central Park to make snow angels with her friend. She also coordinated with her buddies on other occasions to ride the bus back down to school together to see a jazz concert and drama show–rather than needing me to figure out transportation logistics for the whole family. 

This ownership of free time plays out in the realm of scheduled afterschool programs as well. I have always taken a hands-off approach as far as afternoon activities, knowing that young children benefit from some unstructured time outside each day. Our default is the playground. If any of my kids advocate to take an additional class, we’ll register. But, I’m not going to force them into hours of sports or music practice they don’t want to sign up for. 

Our middle school offers dozens of fantastic, free afterschool activities. I let my tweens try out different options and then drop the ones that aren’t a good fit. They choose their own schedule, managing their time by deciding when to attend clubs and when to come home early to get started on an especially heavy homework night. This has been a great way for my kids to get to know their own bandwidth without any serious consequences to discovering they are either stretched too thin or swimming in spare time. 

For instance, my son decided on his own to skip chess the first day back from Mid-Winter Recess because he was tired from jet lag. My daughter tried a whole lineup of art and design classes after school the first week, but she quickly realized it was too much. She considered a double-period of cooking or filmmaking, but realized those options would cut into family dinner time. Instead, she settled on creative writing and jewelry making the first trimester and Canva creators and watercolor the next. She realized through trial and error that a Friday activity complicated evenings when we head out of town for weekend trips. As a result, this spring her Fridays are free. My son hasn’t chosen any Friday clubs at school. Instead, he leaves it open so he can book a table at Ping Pod or plan a basketball court meetup with his old friends, setting his own alarm to remind himself to join the others.

Another way my tweens have kept in touch with old classmates is by completing community service hours together. They return to their elementary school to volunteer at school events, selling pizza at the snack bar, making announcements on the PA system, and running activity booths. As alumni, they become celebrities, with both the younger kids and teachers coming over to say hi. My daughter has put her artistic skills to good use designing event logos and painting photo booth props. My son prefers to serve as a floater at these events, walking around to pitch in wherever he sees a need.

Volunteer jobs have also inspired my tweens to think about ways to use their talents and interests to earn spending money. My daughter is starting to work as a mother’s helper and dog walker for family friends who are welcoming a newborn into their family. Meanwhile, she gains experience by volunteering in our church nursery and kitchen. My son, who loves solving Rubik’s cubes, shared his skills by giving an hour-long lesson to a neighbor boy.

Managing Money

One major development in the lives of our middle schoolers is the introduction of an allowance. Up until this year, they haven’t handled much personal spending money. If they needed something, my husband or I would buy it for them. If they wanted something, they could use their birthday or Christmas money.

This year in school, however, my 6th graders have the opportunity to go off-campus during their lunch period. Six times each month, they are allowed to stroll the neighborhood around school and buy their own lunch. They frequent the bagel shop, pizza parlor, and bakery either during lunch or as a social activity with friends on their way home from school.

I grew up without an allowance, so this has all been new to me. I chatted with the kids, and together we concocted a plan to try out the first month and then revisit as needed. I saw this as a chance for my tweens to practice managing money in a low-stakes environment. It was also an opportunity to teach my children early on the practices of charitable giving, saving, and spending wisely. Best to let them run into and navigate roadblocks and windfalls now so that it isn’t totally foreign when they are choosing how to spend their first paycheck. 

My tweens have started tithing, or setting aside 10 percent of their income (in this case allowance money), to donate to a good cause–such as putting money in the offering plate at church, contributing to a drive for families in need at school, or dropping coins in the donation slot at the library. When my son kept forgetting to bring the dollars he intended to donate on Sunday mornings, he figured out a solution; he could give a lump sum at the beginning of the month, instead. My daughter, meanwhile, enjoys any excuse to use her wallet. So she has found a rhythm of weekly giving to work best for her.

After setting aside an amount to donate each month, my middle schoolers spend the rest wisely, with the understanding that they get to save whatever change remains. They budget money for each of their six lunch outings, knowing that if they splurge on ice cream with sprinkles the first week, then when the last week rolls around, they may need to choose the less expensive plain bagel with butter over the everything bagel with cream cheese. Since February was a short month with a week off school for Mid-Winter Recess, my daughter ran out of days to use her 6th out-lunch pass. So, chose to use her spare lunch money to stop at Dunkin on the way home to pick out donuts for the whole family to enjoy as dessert that evening. She even figured out that donuts by school cost more than donuts near home, so she waited to make her purchase in our neighborhood. My daughter speaks the love languages of gifts and sweets, so it was an act of love for her to spend her money on this tasty family treat.

Traveling to Camp

The most recent area of independence I’ve noticed came in the form of the Young Life overnight weekend camp they attended for the first time this spring. My son had left packing until the last minute, throwing clothes into his bag but not realizing how much time it would take to gather all the extras that I normally take care of when packing for a family trip (like shampoo, toothpaste, a towel, and a laundry bag). In the rush to get out the door in time to catch the bus, he forgot to pack his favorite stuffed animal. When we rode the elevator back upstairs to grab it, he admitted, “I should have packed earlier,” to which I replied, “Well that’s part of the reason I wanted you to go on this retreat. It gives you a chance to practice packing on your own.”

Even equipped with a laundry bag, it didn’t occur to my daughter that it would be a good idea to pack her wet clothes in it for the trip home. She didn’t unpack until two days later when I was throwing in a load of laundry. A wet swimsuit and towel had soaked her suitcase–a brand-new one she had received for Christmas. Ugh! At that point my daughter also shared that, with all the rain and mud over the weekend, she had run out of fresh outfits and had to re-wear some clothes. So, the lessons learned abounded: don’t procrastinate in packing and unpacking, pack an extra set of clothes or be prepared to re-wear, and use a laundry bag–especially for anything wet or really dirty.

The snack bar at camp also provided a problem-solving opportunity. I sent the kids along with some spending money. But, when my son noticed the crazy long line, he opted to forego the wait and share snacks with his sister instead. Apparently there are some perks to having a twin sister around–especially one who loves snacks and spending!

Evidently some impromptu, late-night cabin games kept the campers awake past midnight. As you can imagine, the kids were running on fumes the next day, high from the excitement of camp but ready to crash at home when bedtime rolled around.

Camp was a great opportunity for my tweens to stretch their wings and exercise their various flavors of independence. Yet it also highlighted that these are still kids, figuring out how life (with its packing…and laundry…and lines…and sleep…) works best. It’s a good thing there’s still room for growth in their transition from children to young adults. Because I’m not quite ready to be out of a mothering job just yet.