Family Quirks Are Fun and Functional

Our family spent many fabulous weeks this summer traveling and hosting both friends and relatives. Through road trips, sleepovers, BBQs, game nights, and more, our family of six lived life in close quarters with dozens of loved ones.

Let’s face it: There’s nothing like sharing a refrigerator, bathroom, and laundry with others to really get to know their style (and for them to discover all your habits as well!)

This has made plain to me how much of our family's way of life is–shall we say–odd. These unique behaviors became much clearer upon spending extended time with people outside my family unit, whether it was for a meal, a day trip, or overnight.

Many of the routines, structures, and tendencies that are so normal to us would be unheard of or even considered negligent under someone else's roof. But why aspire to be a cookie cutter family when I relish the qualities that make the New York City Van de Waters unapologetically us. Plus, it’s so much fun figuring solutions that make our family function well.

Life is full of choices and, as a parent, the level of decision making jumps to a whole new level. Some of our choices are steered by circumstances (living in an expensive city with a large family in a two-bedroom apartment on one income, for instance). Some decisions fall in line with what I value, such as independence, creativity, health, intentional use of time, and sustainable routines. Still others are simply the product of what my husband and I know from our own upbringing. (For example, after being forced to finish every morsel of food on his plate as a child, my husband would never insist on our children doing so.)

When it comes down to it, keeping four kids and a husband nutritiously fed, decently clothed, comfortably housed, exercised in mind and body, and lovingly cared for calls for a little thinking outside the box and a willingness to do things differently. Let me show you.

Activities

Rainy days this summer, for instance, didn’t stop us from enjoying the playground, lake, and pool. No thunder, no problem. Even forgetting a swimsuit doesn’t stop the fun. Our kids often run through the sprinklers at the playground in their clothes. My daughter even jumped in the pool in her T-shirt and shorts the other day rather than walk upstairs to change into a swimsuit. 

Van de Water vacations are for running free, making memories, and learning through play rather than forced study time at a table. Instead of camp, we opt for freeform days with family playing cards by the pool or excursions to explore new cities and mini golf courses. We gravitate toward Storybook Land and Como Town over Disney. We frequent timeshare resorts with hot tubs, kitchens, ski slopes, and laundry facilities rather than camping–although we do enjoy swimming or kayaking in a cool lake.

When it’s all said and done, we take the time to print our favorite photos to make scrapbooks or arrange some digitals into a Shutterfly album to publish rather than letting them fade into the forgotten abyss of a cell phone.

We value free time at the playground and self-directed play and projects at home rather than cramming our schedule with daily after school programs or sports every weekend. It’s only when my kids advocate to try a particular activity or outing that I listen attentively and respond with action. Because school days are jam packed and teacher-led, I let the kids take on personal responsibility and initiative wherever possible outside of the classroom.

Food

The kids are in charge of their own breakfast (which means several courses of cereal while I sleep in) and eat school lunch (which means some days they’ll chow down on chicken drumsticks and others they’ll just nibble on a slice of bread and cheese).

As a result, I can focus my meal planning capacity on dinner. I cook an evening meal daily and use the opportunity to pile at least one protein, some dairy, two fruits, and two vegetables onto their dinner plates to balance out their gain-heavy breakfast, lunch, and snacks. 

We have a “take at least one bite of everything” mealtime rule, so by adding a second vegetable to their plate, I can ensure that they are getting at least two bites of veggies in their system. It normally ends up being more than that because I try to choose at least one crowd-pleasing vegetable and one that’s more adventurous.

Beyond veggies, I make sure each family member has something they will eat on the dinner table. This sometimes means incorporating into dinner certain foods that are traditionally relegated to breakfast (yogurt, eggs, waffles, etc.) and snack time (peanut butter pretzels, trail mix, cheese and crackers, etc.). I also cut up or prepare food in specific ways that match my kids’ preferences (melon on or off the rind, corn on or off the cob, pasta with or without sauce, etc.). While this appears to be me catering to my kids’ picky eating, it’s my way of ensuring both balanced nutrition and eager participation in the family meal. 

Before clearing our dishes, we offer each other any food that’s left on our plate to make sure everyone’s had their fill and to cut back on waste. For instance, one twin eats the tops of broccoli and the inside of cucumbers while the other only eats the broccoli stalks and cucumber peels. Assuming no one’s sick, family germs are fine to spread around. While I won't stand for full-on double-dipping, if a child at home can skillfully dip one end of a baby carrot in hummus, bite it off, and then flip the carrot around to dip the other end, I'm all for it.

I boost nutrition by tweaking recipes (such as substituting applesauce for oil, using whole wheat flour, and adding extra eggs to baked goods or adding spinach and yogurt to smoothies). We skip take-out and save restaurants for special occasions and travel. And when we do eat out, we choose diners over fast food.

Shopping

Our shopping habits prioritize frugality, so we stock up at local produce vendors and shop sales at the corner grocery instead of Fresh Direct. We frequent the library instead of the bookstore. We forego Amazon prime and instead endure the delayed gratification that comes with filling the cart to reach a free shipping minimum.

We welcome hand-me-downs rather than running out to buy the latest fashion or matching sibling outfits. For swim attire, we choose rash guards over bikinis for sun protection and modesty. Instead of dealing with the eyesoar of a dozen swimsuit pieces hanging to dry, we add them to the laundry bin–knowing full well this destroys the suits so we’ll have to replace them more frequently.

Instead of an allowance, we buy the kids what they need and splurge on treats periodically. Beyond that, they can use birthday money to purchase items from their wish list.

Household Routines and Hygiene

Our kids have the basic responsibilities of putting away their laundry, clearing their dishes after meals, tidying up their toys, and staying on top of their personal hygiene and schoolwork. While they don’t have specific chores assigned to them, we expect our kids to help out with washing dishes, folding laundry, dusting, and taking out the trash and recycling when asked.

Our kids shower every night, not just when they are stinky or dirty. As a regular part of our evening routine, showering resets everyone into wind-down mode and gives me time to prepare dinner. It’s also a chance to wash off all the bug spray and sunscreen that we liberally apply (because we would rather deal with chemicals than bug bites and burns).

I cut my kids hair to eliminate the expense and scheduling headache of dealing with a barber. I enforce hair brushing after the shower to keep their hair healthy but let them style it as they like in the morning.

I give them similar liberty when it comes to attire. The kids dress themselves, even if it results in an embarrassingly mismatched outfit. Several of my children choose to sleep in clean, comfortable clothes rather than pajamas, which works for us because it makes getting ready in the morning super efficient. Anything that streamlines our morning routine is a plus.

Stories, Sleep, and Screens

Even though my kids range from 7 to 11, I still read aloud to them as a group every evening. (Try The Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, and Roald Dahl books that appeal to all ages.) We watch movie versions of the books we’ve read after finishing the stories, but limit movie time to 30 minutes or so per evening so we don’t disrupt bedtime. 

The kids share one bedroom and one relatively early 7:45 bedtime (although the older kids often stay up later reading in bed with their book lights). This gives them plenty of sleep so they can wake without an alarm before school. It has the added benefit of parents getting some kid-free Netflix time in the evening and kids having some parent-free Minecraft time in the morning. They rise on their own with the sun and know not to disturb mom’s sleep–because once mom wakes up, screen time ends!

–

With a list like this, you can imagine how spending a significant amount of time with others outside my immediate family this summer made me vulnerable to scrutiny. In these moments, I was tempted to rush to my defense, explaining why kids sleeping in clothes rather than pajamas makes for efficient mornings and how a rain shower is a perfectly acceptable time for a cooped-up child to swim.

But it’s exhausting justifying personal decisions to outsiders, especially when they are patterns ingrained in family life. 

Now, whenever I imagine an onlooker thinking “You do what?!” about our family practices, I pause and take a breath, flipping the situation on its head. Instead of feeling slapped by others’ judgment and assumptions of poor parenting, I use it as a chance to show my kids how each family is their own brand of weird. Let’s get curious about differences we notice rather than insisting that what we know as normal is the best way to go about life.

It's good to expose my children to other families' lifestyle choices and open up discussions around them. If they grow up thinking the Van de Water way is the only way, they will be in for a shock when meeting their in-laws or navigating new parenthood with a spouse who grew up with their own slew of family idiosyncrasies. 

Some solutions we’ve landed upon may be completely ridiculous for a family in contrasting circumstances or with a different worldview. That's the great thing about family units. Each can embrace the quirks that make sense for them. Parents can keep this simple sentence starter at the ready for any questioning child, nosey bystander, or well-meaning relative: “In our family we _____.”

Let me guess: You scoffed at or mocked most of the list above? But you may also have just discovered a brilliant solution to a parenting predicament of your own. Perhaps our quirks have validated yours or put your own version of craziness into perspective. If nothing else, I hope you feel emboldened to make popcorn for dinner–or at least not stand in visible shock when your child grows up to do so.