Survive or Thrive?

On any moment of any day, I can either be in survival mode or fully thriving in my role as a mom. I've spent the past five years raising my four kids and feel the scales finally tipping in favor of thriving. I wouldn't say this is a battle I've won, but I can definitely appreciate how far I've come.

Let's just say that starting off with twins was a wake-up call to all involved. We had all hands on deck with grandparents flying in and a husband who can thankfully function on a few hours of sleep. When family left and hubby went back to work, I hired a friend who was in-between jobs as a daily mother's helper. I had to get outside the apartment to survive, but that often didn't happened until late in the afternoon. Those first three months were such a blur. Here's what I do remember:

• Three sets of pump parts piled up in the kitchen sink.
• Mastering the double football hold in my glider for hour-long nursing sessions every 2-3 hours.
• Waking a baby to keep feeding session in sync.
• Babies falling asleep while eating and gingerly transferring them to bed.
• Taking pajama walks at 7am to introduce the babies to the sunrise--the time to wake.
• Listening to baby coos during those precious moments of happy alertness.
• Running home at the first sign of a yawn to try out a crib nap.
• Babies falling asleep in the elevator and then waking up as we enter the apartment, ready for the next round.
• Vigilantly recording how many ouches of breast milk or formula each baby drank and how many minutes they nursed.
• Nursing strikes and clogged ducts.
• Eating meals dropped off by sweet mom friends from my community group.
• The astonished looks of passersby during baby playdates with my twin moms group in the park.
• Living in machine-washable clothes because my little girl spit up like a fountain.
• Sitting on a restaurant stoop under some scaffolding because the rainfall magically lulled both babies to sleep.
• Changing at least 20 diapers a day.
• Nursing for the first time in public on a bench in Central Park.
• Reading Guess How Much I Love You during our first official bedtime routine, but then not being able to stand up because both babies had fallen asleep on me.

It was definite survival mode. But around a year into it I felt the fog clearing enough to get pregnant again. And then again two years later. Fast forward and now I'm mom to two kindergarteners, a preschooler, and a toddler who make me want to squeeze the juice out of this wonderful occupation of motherhood.

Yes, my five-year-old did throw a tantrum the other day when I didn't prepare Macaroni and Cheese for dinner even though she had it for lunch. Yes, my 3-year-old did squeal a little too loudly this afternoon and woke up baby sister. Yes, my son did intentionally write the wrong answer on his homework worksheet and then scribble away until a hole formed. But now I know how to move along and not dwell when things go awry.

Last weekend I captured an image in my mind of my three big kids frolicking together on the Wildwood beach in search of sea shells while my baby filled her shoes with sand. Delighted with their newfound sight-word and phonics abilities, my kindergarteners will read to my 3-year-old. And then I turn around a few minutes later to find my three-year-old "reading" to my baby.

Those blissful moments make me see that thriving can now be a regular way of life.